It's been a while since I've wrote and somethings haven't changed. I'm still 23, approximately the same height and weight, drive the same car, and still like to start the day with a tall glass of smoothie.
Updates in short:
I moved in with my parents. I now have a steady diet of Bill O'Reily, pure love, all out refrigerator access and opinions with parental weight (wise-dom).
I'm training at a new job. Loved kids, not schools. Tour guide for a new Eco Adventure company. Mention my name when you sign up and I get commission, you feel good for saying my name : ) . I'm determined to be a Ohia-forest plants and birds whiz kid. If only I can learn how to pronounce Hawaiian names. I've got mainlander in my blood. Oali'i makahi, papalapeli.
I have a new boo, or beau, bf. New like nothing I've experienced. I could gush here, but gush is so much better in poem. In a few words? It works/makes sense- naturally. Finally. //We've talked every day since our second date//
I'm scheming. I have projects in motion, and goals on the horizon. I'm planning to trek a country for some amount of time, starting in some month in the year 2013. Too Vague? Oh I got specifics, I'll tell you when I board the plane. {Action plans! I like me a good ol action plan, at the pace of a stampede with the twists in turns of an unfolding epic.}
Mission Impossible
I go so fast, I loose track,
of keys, wallets, and earrings
Ya see,
I'm headed towards the discovery of a new planet
And all the do-hickeys, pen caps, and nickles
can fly out the windows-fine by me
I got a bigger concern
assembling this puzzle of exsistence
with two hands one heart and a questioning cranium
++
I imagine that
as I draw in my last breath
the final peice will slide into place
and I'll surrender
given death
enlightened eyes roll
seeking light
realizing the biggest picture
My concluding line,
only written in the skies
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O' why does why afflict me?
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+++
Aftermath
There are 6 turkeys laid out to defrost
The Jennie-O kind
includes packets of gravy
and a pop up timer feature
farm location: unknown
Bodies of meat
sweating in the temperate heat
17.1 lbs
leaving pools that run from counter to ground
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Blade in blade out, I retract myself
to rediscover self doubt,
study its roots
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Inner musings from a curly Fro'd diva
It’s happened again, and every time I’m taken by surprise.
My hair has grown into sprockets that release in all directions, creating a
halo of fuzz. A statement is created, without my consent. Sometimes I consent,
running my fingers to fray and separate- larger, bigger, badder- red lipstick,
big earrings, a lot of leg. Yet some days I don’t consent, my curls a short mass;
the envy of salon frequenting elderly women. I pull, and cover, rewash and
reset, then give in. Making a goofy face
in reflections to match my goofy damn hair. White skin light hair Fro.
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Moribund:
adj. 1. I'm the problem. Having lost contact with what really
matters: I am swept up in the pursuit of high intensity orgasms, finding value
in the rightest way- my way. I expect reality to play out as it does on t.v.
Possessing an impulsive enemy, my own reflection
is both what I dont want and who i want to be. My greatest cultivated attribute
is hands down, apathy. I drive from here to there, hope not, go with the flow
Monday- Sunday, pretending that I'm going somewhere. I am the future sleek abs,
binging saturdays, recovering sundays, refraining mondays. My safety boat of
dreams is a quilted 24 hr stop n shop with 6 inch memory foam and room for two.
Multipurpose! A place to eat, sleep, talk, internet, sex, waste. My favorite
place. I am tortured by the common cold, slow drivers, loneliness, small talk,
and boredom. I'm better and don't understand you. I frequently eat out to
celebrate days of the passing week, I don't care for anything inparticular. I lose track of time,but rush n fume in lack of time. I
take medication for headaches, inattention, depression, migranes, and flus. I
rarely ask why, how come. I don't stop. I believe in presentation, wear high
heels on feisty days, avoid eye contact, nod at those who make accidental eye
contact. I've been trained to be polite, I courteously return phone calls, say
thank you, stop for pedastrians. I have friends that chase high after high. Any
substance addicts. I chase simple sugar highs, alcohol highs, adrenaline highs.
I'm better than them. If the money stops coming in, my parents will always
supplement my income. I don't do anything I don't want to do for too long. I
get bored after too long. Is this getting too long?
Wait I dont care, I want to
go on. I like people, but not too much.
My independence is my greatest investment. I spread out on my queen bed. I talk
about babies and envision my own. I refer to myself as not an adult yet. I
don't believe in lasting romance, romantic comedys fufill me. Love is an
undefinable word that is synonymous with pain which I have programmed myself to
avoid. I've never been to my town's
outdoor attractions.Criminal ideas,
opportunities, often pop into my head but I have too much character to indulge
myself in such behaviors. I possess a list of things that I would do if I were
more "me" amd list those activities as hobbies. I deny that you are
what you do. I avoid the facts, in replacement for convincing myself of self concocted fantasies, then loose all sense of direction when
things don't go my way. I haven't prayed in months, but if I were to now I
would say.. wait I don't pray. I recognize that there is something fundamentally
wrong with what I do, but it's all I know how to do, and it's all I see. And I
can't help but notice that I am who you are, and you me, so what else can I be?
We're the problem.
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Stay tuned for love poems and detailed descriptions of daises in order to balance out the pessimism of this post.
