Friday, March 29, 2013

Ruderism


Rudie wore long socks but not because of creeping winter cold, but because she like the way the knit hugged her ankles, then her knees. She walked in a sullen skip, dragging her toes like getting from here to there was the last thing on her list to do for the day. She mumbled notes, flip flopping of her tounge, syllables of district crystal melodies. When she was nervous she rubbed her nose, and then her belly in long circular strokes. When she was embarrassed she would bend over and fix her socks, which was fine and dandy in train stations and viewings of romantic comedies, but not so much during job interviews. She loved the smell of cotton candy as it spinned with static electricity and she'd stand nearer then most next to vendor wagons. 


          I watched her, like I was a PI, hoodie up strings pulled tight. She laughed like heehawdeeha and looked in Peterson Gallery's window studiously as she passed every day around three. I stared back past that window, into searching eyes- hoping they would find mine. I edged around the corner  of my desk and made loud hand gestures, as if fixing the balance of a frame on a nail was a lyrical dance. She only stared at a sculpture from Bugote, a torso with youthful round bosoms, molded with sienna clay, and wrapped hastily with chicken wire. Brushed abstractly with water colors, nearly translucent pigments weaved  to create a shoulder to hip ribboned badge. At 3:10 she would check her watch with obligation, a wave of annoyance twisting her once placid expression, and pull up one sock then the other. She would then abruptly step away with out saying goodbye to Torso or I, studying the translucence of rain drops on her exposed arms.  

Bright Green Sprouts

Wildfire,
hot aching
wretched
burn it all down
leave no survivors
and I'll sit
posed
amongst
the combustion
monitoring my
heart rate and temperature
I'll inhale smoke
and let it wrap and curl
to squeeze my throat
fire thick engulfing
branches over head
I'll look up and watch
the embers drop
flames tousling my hair
These fingertips printed
with ash
a matchstick lays further off in the grass.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

This being human is a guest
house. Every morning
a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and attend them all:
Even if theyre a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture, still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

              -Rumi

And so it is. I sit taping as the rain titters on the tatter of the tin roof. A stick bug flies wildly on by. Dinner is being made, but not for me- salmon wrapped in tinfoil with a citrus smell. Toaster oven set to high. Bruno sniffs a chair then a cord, like a curious toddler. Tripping over his feet like a newborn deer as he heads to the stairs. So am I, straight trippin yo, stripped of something- aware of my own vunerability. All organs intact. I've been napping at noon, rising at the roosters crow. Periods of feeling revitalized and fresh are interrupted by rumination, self doubt, and inward ache. My own decision seems to haunt and free me in the same breath. I'm awake, my feeling flooding in and out without forecast. I tell myself I'm happy. I repeat it to myself in moments of doubt, and I feel it. The thought creates a warm bubble that floods my body and I look up, my inward brooding interrupted. I  watch the illumination of a glass, study a spider's back, watch my review mirror, and become lost in another world. Tomatoes are sweet jelly and leave your fingertips wet. Worries cease. The losing process is 1. denial 2. anger 3. bargaining 4. depression 5. acceptance.
Ay ay- "acceptance is the doorway to transformation". So I plunge, with a bravery new to me- in hopes that pain will bring a glittering and undeniably magical, transformation.

ANd a poem:

Ideally this will begin
and the ending will tie in
like two tight knots
and all the in-between
one continous thread
tightly woven

But when this began there was
no formulation
no diagram to follow
these words were borrowed
And this in between is a messy thing
lacking linear flow

Not knowing where next to go
threads flutter aimlessly
No looped tie
square-not
to make sense of the beginning

Let's call it art
essence of life
forget the imposing
antonym to begin
and leave others to interpret
the beginning middle

verse repeat.